Friday, July 9, 2010

A Driving Fear

It has been 10 months since my last post. I can't believe it. The time is flying by and I am not sure why I haven't posted, other than I have a lot going on. A lot has transpired in the last 10 months, especially with the kids. The son turned 15 in January and the girl is now 13. (A subject for another blog, for sure!) But the thing I have to talk about is the day that all parents dread, I think, more than anything...the day their teenager gets his or her LEARNER"S PERMIT!!!

It was early May when the son announced he was ready to take his written test for his permit. The wife and I glanced at each other with fear and then I replied, "Are you sure?" I guess I was hoping he would say "Well, maybe I do need to study more." But, alas, he said he was ready. I told him I would try and get off work early one day to take him. A few days later, he reminded me that I had said I would get off work early to take him for his test. (Darn, he remembered!!) I was sure that he had not studied enough, as we had not seen him even crack the book. I was also sure that he could not have learned enough about driving laws and road rules from just observing us drive (especially me!) This would be another good life-lesson about studying and preparation and it would also give us more time to prepare ourselves mentally and emotionally for the white-knuckle, hair-raising task of teaching our teenager to drive. I started preparing the talk (a.k.a. 'lecture'), in my mind as we walked through the door of the DMV.

As I walked out of the DMV with my 'boy', who is now 6 feet tall, beaming proudly and in possession of a newly-minted driving permit, I found myself actually feeling a little proud of him. He was about to embark on that manly right-of-passage of getting behind the wheel and learning how to drive. It was another step on his road to independence that all of us remember fondly. I was jerked back to the present very quickly when I heard him say, "Can I drive home?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Errr, its rush hour and I don't want you driving for the first time in bumper-to-bumper traffic."

"Okay." (Whew! That was close.)

As I look back at when he did drive for the first time, my neck and back would have welcomed the bumper-to-bumper traffic. Let's just say that he wasn't aware of how fast a 6-cylinder sedan can accelerate or how quickly it stops when you subsequently slam on the brakes.

It has been almost 2 months now and I have to say that he is doing well with his driving. He has driven on the highway, all the way to the lake, and all over town. He has also driven in that dreaded rush-hour traffic. We have not had any close-calls (I am knocking on wood as I type that) and I have not had to say a whole lot to him except instructional things and, of course, to tell him to watch his speed. Just like all teenagers, the radio is the most important piece of equipment in the car to him. He also likes to drive with one hand to look cool. (I have no idea where he got this from!!) It is also amazing how, in just a few months, he has become an expert in the field of driving and is very quick to critique anyone he is riding in the car with. My big fear is that he will get to comfortable and relaxed and forget what an awesome responsibility driving is. But, for now, I think he is doing well.

It is still kind of hard for me to look over and believe that he is actually driving. It was just yesterday that the only car I had to worry about, where he was concerned, was the matchbox car he put down the toilet. Now I have to look forward to those days and nights of praying alot and no sleep until I hear the car pull in the driveway...the same thing that my and the wife's parents experienced oh so many years ago.

So, this is just another step we must go through as parents to prepare our kids to go out into the world. I get that...but, this one is scarier. This one involves a dangerous activity, where you not only have to worry about your kid and what they are doing and how they will react to different situations, but you also have to worry about everyone else that is out there behind the wheel of a car. Something can happen in the blink of an eye or the glance at a text.

Dear Lord, protect him.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Daddy's Little Girl

It happened. The day I have been dreading for a long time. (Well, not the only one, but one of them.) I got home from work the other day and when I greeted the daughter, I noticed something I had not ever seen before. (No, not those) She was wearing makeup!! I reacted as every father of a 12-year-old daughter would the first time he sees his little girl with makeup on...I yelled "What is that crap on your face?!?!? Go take it off, NOW!!!" She stomped up the stairs, crying of course, and I felt as if I had done my fatherly duty. I had saved her from making herself look like a floozy tramp and I had made sure that my little girl did not grow up too fast!! I grabbed some tea and sat down, feeling quite proud of myself.

I heard the wife coming down the stairs before I saw her, but as soon as I saw her, I knew there was something wrong. Here I was waiting for the "thank you for doing that and backing me up" and I got the "May I talk to you upstairs, please!" Uh-oh.

I don't remember everything about the conversation. Well, not really a conversation. A conversation means both people are talking, having a discourse. I was just listening. I do remember certain parts of it, like..."you have to let her grow up sometime." "...it is going to happen, whether you want it to or not." "...it's not that much, just a little around her eyes." "...she is smart and has a good head on her shoulders." "...she is not going to go overboard. I check it everyday before she leaves." And here is the killer..."You are her Daddy and she wants approval from you more than anything, and if you are always criticizing and being negative, you will not only hurt her confidence, you will push her away." Why did I have to marry a woman that is so rational and reasonable, all the time?!?!?!? (Well, on most things.)

It is amazing how much your attitude about women changes when you have a daughter. Being the father of a daughter in today's world is scary. I was in Miami a few years ago, driving along South Beach, and instead of thinking "WOW!", I found myself saying, out loud, mind you "My daughter is NEVER coming down here!" It is definitely one of those 'Parental Paybacks.'

So, my little girl is wearing a little bit of make-up now. I have to admit, it is not a whole lot and it, along with the new contacts, really makes her big blue eyes stand out even more. As hard as it is for me to accept, I do have to realize that she is going to grow up, whether I like it or not. She IS a beautiful, vibrant girl. She is smart, confident and loving. She is polite, respectful, and funny. Now, don't get me wrong. She knows how to push every button I have and then some. (She IS like her mom) But I have to admit, she has a lot going for her and I think she is going places.

I know that the next few years there will be a lot of changes in my little girl. I also know that some of them will be easier for me to accept or put up with than others. (I have a feeling I am going to have to extend my prayer time in the morning) All I can do is to continue to guide her, protect her, and watch over her, while at the same time doing the most important thing...loving her. She is going to grow up, move on, and have a successful life. And she will still be my little girl.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Triumphs and Tragedies

It has been a while since I posted. Mainly because I have been really busy, but also because life has kinda been on cruise-control. But, I have to tell you that this past weekend was a doozie.

The son had a good weekend. (He even admitted this to his mother last night, much to our surprise.) A friend of ours from the neighborhood has a little band that plays at parties and such and they have lost their drummer. Friday night we took the son over where they jam and he got to play drums for them. He absolutely loved it and I have to say, he did not do bad for his first time playing with them. He then competed in the state Solo & Ensemble contest Saturday. He was part of a percussion trio that has been working hard on a piece and they received a Superior rating at the contest. I think he was kinda proud of himself, but God forbid he not act cool about it. He then went to a movie (a chick-flick no less) with his new girlie and he said he had a good time. So, all-in-all, he did have a good weekend. It just shocked us when he admitted it, because how often do 14 year-olds admit that to their parents?

Daughter, on the other hand, did not have a good weekend. As you may already know, the Yaeger menagerie included a big black lab, Boomer; a ferocious watchcat, Poozie; and a cute little Panda-Bear Hamster named Squeakers. Saturday morning, daughter came downstairs and announced that Squeakers was dead, and proceeded to get hysterical. Mom came over to comfort, as all moms do, and I proceeded upstairs to investigate. Sure enough, he was deceased in the bottom of the cage. I thought about it for a second and decided the best thing to do was to remove the cage and everything from the room. While I was attending to cleanup and burial arrangements, Mom was still comforting. I was in the kitchen with tears in my eyes, due not to the death of the hamster (though he was a cute little guy), but due to the fact that my little girl's heart was broken. (Side note: I have decided I will not do well with the boys that might do this in the future.) I got the cage cleaned and in the garage and I buried Squeakers in the side yard to prevent any exhumation by the above-mentioned black Lab.

Now, have I mentioned that my daughter might be a bit of a drama queen? Her hysteria continued for a good 45 minutes, which I can understand. We have discussed that hamsters do not live long and she has always said she understood that, but it is still hard for her and I realize that. I can also understand the fact that every time she goes in her room for the next few weeks and looks over where the cage was, it will cause her to get sad and even cry. I get it. But the things that may have earned her the "Drama Queen" tshirt that I have been threatening to buy her is the PowerPoint tribute to Squeakers and the wanting to wear all black to church on Sunday. That's right. I said a PowerPoint tribute. Some of you may have been fortunate enough to receive the tribute in an email, complete with videos, pictures, and dramatic text. But I have to admit, she put the thing together in about 15 minutes and it really is kind of good.

My immediate thoughts after this was all over Saturday was "no more animals!!" But then, I started thinking about it. Our job as parents is to prepare our children to go out into the world and be responsible, contributing members of society, knowing right from wrong and being respectful of others and the world around them. Death is something we all experience and one day, we all lose someone that is precious to us. Life is fragile and finite and we have to teach that to our children too. As much as it hurts and as much as it causes sadness, helping our kids through this is another life-prep we can work through. In his own way, little Squeakers helped us with this. Thanks, Squeakers.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

One Son's Enlightenment Can Be Another Man's Epiphany

We were driving home from the church last week after Praise Band practice. I had been on the road all week and this was the first time I had seen the kids in four days, but had heard that the son had gotten a not-so-good grade on a science test. We discussed, very calmly I might add, that he might have done better if he had not waited until the last minute to study for a major test. (Lord knows, I never did that!!) He agreed and then fell silent. A few minutes later, as I was contemplating the length of this grounding and which of his fingernails to pull out, he spoke up.

"Dad, did Mom tell you about my enlightenment?" She had not, and I replied with a cautioned "No." He continued.

"Well, I think I've realized that if I want to get into college and go to the school I want, I need to start working harder because school is going to start counting real soon."

The car weaved a bit as I fought to suppress throwing both fists in the air and letting go with a loud "THANK GOD!!!" My cabbage-patch victory dance would have to wait. I managed a little smile as I looked at him and merely said, "I'm glad to hear you say that" even though I wanted to start into the "Isn't that what I have been trying to tell you for a few years now", which is lecture number 231A in the "Official Handbook for Parents of Teenagers" He looked at me with that little grin of his and because I was still driving, all I could muster at that moment was a fatherly squeeze of his shoulder. The thoughts of a grounding and missing fingernails had evaporated into thin air, replaced with loving hope.

In the ensuing silence, (well except for the daughter's continuation of her vocalist practice in the backseat), I thought about what he had just said and what it had taken for him to say it to me. All of a sudden a light went off in my head and I swear I heard a cymbal crash somewhere. I felt like giving myself the V-8 knock in the head.

In all of my efforts to guide my kids in their lives, and to make their lives perfect (a common fault, I believe, amongst we parents) I had forgotten one of my favorite quotes by Mark Twain. He said "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." Duh! Have I forgotten all the 'discussions' I had with my dad about the same things? At fourteen, did I have a crystal-clear picture of where I wanted to go and what it would take to get there? No, I had to learn this on my own and no amount of lectures, coaxing, or yelling would have changed it. All of us, and that includes our children, have to learn and decide that on our own. Sheesh. Just chill out a bit, Bill, and try to remember back all those years ago.

Now I am not saying that I will never lecture again about grades, hard work, setting goals, and what it takes to be successful. And the son may slip back into the old habits now and then and we will have to remind him about what he said. But, his enlightenment, and the flicker of hope it provided, caused a big, huge flash to go off in my head.

I can hear the wife now. She is going to remind me that she has been pointing this out and reminding me of this for years, but she has got to realize that sometimes people just have to figure these things out on their own!

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Parental Pride switch

All parents know about it. The second you lay eyes on your own children, it flips this switch somewhere inside you; the Parental Pride switch. From that day on, whenever your child does something, and it can be anything (well, the positive stuff), in your eyes, they are the smartest, most-talented child prodigy in the world. You could have a friend tell you "My son just won the Nobel Prize in medicine at the age of 17 for discovering the cure for cancer" and you would say, or at least be thinking, "That's nothing, my daughter, who is only 4, just spelled cat." I know you are all smiling right now because you know what I am talking about. It is one of those God-given, natural instincts that kicks in that is hard to explain. I'm sure it serves a purpose. My theory is that it is a way to build the confidence of our offspring so that some day they can go out into the world and survive. Or maybe it is just a way to give parents a glimmer of hope that we will not end up on the Dr. Phil show some day.

In the last 3 months I have had a couple of occasions to experience this parental phenomenon that can turn you into a grinning or blubbering fool. In December, the wife and I learned that our 11-year-old daughter actually has some singing talent. She and another girl sang an a Capella piece to open the Christmas Cantata at church. When they started singing, we looked at each other with stunned looks on our faces and then my eyes immediately filled with tears. Talk about recessive genes!! They sounded like angels! At that moment, she was the next Celine Dion or Carey Underwood!! Then, just last night, we watched a performance of the Charleston Symphony Orchestra and Chorus which included a piece by a combined middle school chorus that included our daughter. As they started singing, the switch got flipped and I again found myself grinning from ear-to-ear. I fought the urge to stand and yell "Way to go, Megan!!" right in the middle of the piece.

The son also causes these periods of temporary giddiness. He is playing drums in a newly-formed praise band at church and last week during a rehearsal, he was doing really well. I found myself grinning and cheering on the inside every time he nailed a good fill or got complimented by the director. Being an old drummer myself, I will claim the credit for this talent. (Though he is already better than I ever was) Also, this past weekend, he went snowboarding for the first time with his Boy Scout troop. When they got back Sunday, all of the parents that went were commenting on his abilities and none of them believed it was his first time snowboarding. He has always had this innate athletic ability and sense of balance. He surfs, skim boards, wake-boards, water-skis, skate-boards, you name it, he can get on it and stay on it. I can take no credit for this one at all! (Remind me to tell you about the Razor scooter incident one day)

The other thing that we try to keep in mind is that we can go overboard with the pride and the compliments, too. We have all seen kids that are conceited and think that they can do no wrong and this can lead to problems down the road. I think it is important to let your kids fail once-in-a-while too. They have to know that no one is perfect and you have to be able to bounce back from failure. It is just more proof that this parenting thing we do is the hardest job in the world, hands down. As I've said before, all we can do is love 'em, support 'em, guide 'em and pray. In the meantime, I am going to go wait for the phone calls from the talent agencies.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Every 'Lockdown" Has a Bright Side

Today marks the third week of the post report card lockdown in the Yaeger household. As the current holders of "The Meanest Parents in the Whole Universe" title, we took drastic action after the young ones brought home 'not-working-up-to-their-potential' report cards. There are no cell phones, Facebook, computers (except for school work), TV during the week, video games, or anything else that can distract from the focus of educational pursuits. Television is limited on the weekends and can only be watched after projects, daily reading, daily instrument practice, and all chores are done. Also, after hearing the excuse of "that's my first class and I am always tired", bedtimes were moved up an hour. The reaction to this announcement brought enough drama to rival a Tennessee Williams play. It was eerily quiet for the rest of that night and also the next.

But, since then, we have experienced unusual phenomena in our house. First, since the lockdown, out of 6 grades that my children have reported to me, the lowest is an 86, with 4 of them being 100, proving that we were right. I have congratulated them and patted them on the back. But I also could not resist bringing out one of my mom's favorite phrases..."See, I told you you could do it!" (And I promised myself I would never say that to my kids!!) Secondly, prior to the lockdown, our evenings were spent listening to the son's cell phone announce yet another incoming text message from one of several unknown girlies, watching both of them stare silently and blankly at some inane Cartoon Network silliness, or them going upstairs and not seeing them at all. (This was usually done after I would take over the downstairs TV. Hey, it's got hi-def!!) But now, believe it or not, we are actually interacting as a family!! We play cards every few nights, we laugh, we talk. It actually felt like an Ozzie and Harriet episode the other night as we all played Michigan Rummy and laughed and actually had a good time.

Maybe there is something to be said for the 'black and white' days of old when the Cleaver's would sit down for dinner together every night or when Andy, Opie, and Aunt Bea would read, listen to the radio and knit in the evenings. Maybe I should sell the TV, get rid of the cable, and give the Wii to charity. Maybe I should just give up ESPN, hi-def sports, and.......or maybe we should just try to find a little balance, taking a little time each week to talk and be together. After all, it is a hi-def world we live in.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Decisions...Choices...Consequences

Decisions, Choices, Consequences. I have little signs with those words on them placed in strategic places around my house...on their bathroom mirror, in the pantry, in their closets...when I first put them up, I even put one on the ceiling above their bed. (I know, kinda lame). It is a rule in our house - there are consequences for every decision and choice that you make...sometimes there are good consequences and sometimes there are bad. That rule applies to us all. I still get stung by it on a daily basis. (When I make a choice to smart off to my wife - there are consequences. But, that is a subject for another day!) It is like gravity...a law of nature that will never go away. My 14 year old and my 11 year old understand this rule and they have accepted it. If they can, why can't the grown-ups in this world understand it?

Every single day we are bombarded with stories of people, whether they are famous or not, that make bad decisions and dumb choices, and then they are flabbergasted when they must face the consequences. Whether it is lying heads-of-state, tax-evading Cabinet choices, pot-smoking Olympic medalists, steroid-using baseball players, or the guy that didn't stop for the stop sign on his way to work; all of them seem to be upset when they are called to task. How can I teach my kids right from wrong and to accept responsibility for their actions, their bad decisions and bad choices, when there are so many high-profile, supposed heroes that can't do it? Oh, and just as an aside to all you famous people, role-model types out there...just about every single person over the age of 9 in this country has a phone with a camera on it, (some of them even have video)...duh!!

We all want to protect our kids and we all want them to be happy, but...in my opinion, the most important thing we can do for our children is to teach them that there are consequences for their actions and they need to take responsibility for those actions, good or bad. It is hard sometimes. I hate seeing the son and daughter grounded and not able to have a good time. (And when you ground your kids, you are grounded too!! I'm really missing some great basketball games these days.) But we always try to point out and reward good choices too.

So, if you are one of the above-mentioned adults that are making our job as parents harder, please wake up. (Yeah, like Roger Clemens and Tom Daschle are going to read this!!) And yes, I believe if you want to be in the spotlight, if you want the fame, the power, and the cash that comes with it, then you have to accept the responsibility of being a role-model. Its like gravity....